Welcome to Vera’s Blog!

As a therapist, I have clients coming to me with a wide range of issues and challenges.

But there’s one issue that pops up more frequently than almost any other: setting boundaries.

As I’ve said before, boundaries are an essential ingredient for a healthy relationship. Just like you can’t make an egg omelet without eggs, you can’t have a healthy relationship without boundaries.

The challenge is that it can be scary and uncomfortable to set boundaries, especially if you’re not used to doing it.

And as I know from my own life and the experiences of my clients, boundaries can be downright daunting when you need to set them as an adult with your parents.

Why?

Because think about it:

If you’re like most people, your relationship with your parents is probably the one that has changed the most over the course of your life.

When you were born, your parents were 100% responsible for you. They made every decision for you, including what to eat, what to...

A big part of my journey of breaking free of overgiving was to learn how to set healthy boundaries.

As I’ve shared before, setting healthy boundaries was something that I really struggled with before I became a therapist.

Part of the reason why I struggled so much was because I felt very guilty about setting boundaries. I truly believed that if I put a boundary in place with someone, I was being selfish and denying my loved ones what they needed and deserved to be happy.

But it wasn’t just the guilt that made it tough for me to set boundaries. Boundary setting was also hard for me because in those early days, I often found that people violated the boundaries I set.

Whenever I set a boundary and someone violated it anyway, I used to think one of two things: (a) that boundaries don’t work or (b) that the other person was completely unreasonable.

The reality, though, is that boundaries are usually very effective when you set them skillfully. And most people in your...

As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I’ve done A LOT of couples therapy over the years. So you might expect me to say that if you want to reduce conflict in your relationship, feel more heard by your partner, or enjoy a deeper connection with them, you BOTH need to work on your relationship.

But do you want to know something?

I have many clients who really want to change something in their relationship. But they come to my office alone. Why? Because for one reason or another, their partner doesn’t want to work on the relationship.

When these clients start working with me, there’s something I see in all of them: doubt. They doubt whether the time, energy, and money that they’re investing will be worth it if their partner isn’t working on the relationship with them.

That’s why they’re usually pretty surprised (I would even go as far as to say “shocked” in some cases) when they start seeing BIG changes in their relationship...

In my last post, I shared some of my favorite tips for communicating better with your partner or loved one. (In case you haven’t read it yet, these are 3 tips that most people don’t think about, but they can quickly improve communication in your relationship. You can find out what they are right here.)

When I was first training to be a therapist years ago, I shared some of these tips with a friend named Maria. She had been with her husband, David, for over a decade. But around the time that I was in grad school, Maria had started to realize that she often felt unheard in their relationship.

David was generally very loving toward Maria. He would make coffee for her to take to work, plan date nights for the two of them, and even buy her flowers for no reason at all. And so in many ways, their relationship seemed great—even like something straight out of a rom com.

But recently, Maria had realized that she had been losing her voice in the relationship because...

Do you ever walk away from a conversation with your partner thinking…

• “I never end up saying what I want to say”?
• “They just don’t get why this matters to me”?
• “Small things turn into a bigger deal than they need to be”?
• “We always have the same argument over and over again”?

If you do and it happens more than once in a blue moon, you might recognize that you could benefit from improving how you communicate with your partner.

It makes sense, right? If the way that you’ve been trying to communicate with your partner or loved one hasn’t been working, it’s only reasonable to try to switch things up.

But here’s what you might be thinking: “Yup. I know that I need to change the way that I communicate with my partner. But WHAT do I need to change? And WHAT should I do instead?”

That’s how I felt after every disagreement that my ex-husband and I had.

I knew that the way that we were...

Does it seem like you and your partner are always arguing about something these days?

If you do, you might be feeling emotionally exhausted and frustrated. But you might also be feeling a bit confused.

After all, if you and your partner care about each other and are in a committed relationship, why do you butt heads so much?

If you think you’re alone in wondering this, I want you to know right now that you most definitely are NOT.

Because when I work with couples in my practice, one of the most common issues they raise is that they argue or disagree ALL the time (and they’re sick of it).

As an example, let me tell you about one of my clients. For the sake of this blog post, we’ll call her Rachel.

Rachel came to me because she and her husband Marcus seemed to be fighting about everything lately.

One time, for example, she had gotten home from work late in the evening after an exhausting day during her company’s busy season. She was hoping to walk in the door...

You’ve probably heard time and time again that all relationships—whether they’re between romantic partners, family members, friends, or colleagues—are about compromise.

But what you might not know is that compromising isn’t always a good thing.

Yes, compromise is definitely important. After all, who wants to be in any kind of relationship with someone who thinks that the world revolves around them and their needs?

But when compromise happens too much or in the wrong way, it can actually cause relationships to break down.

Why?

Because when you compromise too much or when you really don’t want to, you actually end up sacrificing what’s important to you for the sake of pleasing the other person or avoiding conflict in the relationship.

And it’s only a matter of time before you start to feel resentful, unfulfilled, drained, unappreciated, lonely, and even disconnected from the person you’re supposed to be in a relationship with.

Did...

In my last few posts, I’ve talked about the signs of healthy vs. unhealthy relationships. Specifically, I’ve explained the characteristics of a healthy bond, broken down red flags in a relationship you should never ignore, and discussed relationship behaviors that seem problematic but aren’t.

As I’ve mentioned in these posts, it’s important to be able to recognize the signs of healthy and unhealthy relationships patterns. Why? Because it helps you understand where your relationship stands. And it allows you to identify what you and your partner could benefit from focusing on the most if you want to strengthen your connection with each other.

However, to truly build a deeper connection with your partner, you need to understand not only WHAT needs to change in your relationship but also HOW to make this change.

That’s why in this week’s blog post, I’m going to walk you through 5 habits that make relationships toxic and break down what to...

In my most recent post, I told you about 9 behaviors you should never ignore or downplay in a relationship. As I explained, these relationship red flags don’t automatically spell doom for your future with your partner. But they do tell you that there’s something in the relationship that needs your attention and may be compromising your connection.

Today, I want to look at the other side of the coin and talk about behaviors that people often think are toxic in a relationship but aren’t. These are behaviors that my clients often tell me about when they’re struggling to build a deep, satisfying connection with their partner. And they come up frequently in conversations with couples who are desperate to save their marriage or long-term relationship.

Many of my clients (and people in general) think these behaviors or habits are the root of their relationship problems—or at least major contributors to them. So they’re often pretty surprised to learn...

In my last blog post—on the 6 characteristics that define healthy relationships—I told you what to look for to determine if your bond with your partner is a solid one.

Knowing the traits that characterize healthy relationships is important for understanding whether your relationship is healthy and what you and your partner could focus on to strengthen your connection.

However, it’s also important to know about the opposite—the red flags in relationships. In a relationship, red flags are signs that something isn’t quite right in a relationship. They’re meant to get your attention and signify potential “danger” or “trouble” so that you can assess the situation and take steps to remedy it or protect yourself.

The tricky thing is that it isn’t always easy to notice red flags—especially if you’re blinded by intense, passionate love. And even if you do notice them, it can be easy to sweep them under the rug or...